Bleh!

Feeling a bit low today. I saw a doc on DR about a new animation education that has been set up in Denmark for the last few years. It brought home to me all that I've missed out on being so ill all the time. I've basically been screwed up since 1998 and not really able to get about.

Yesterdays gaming didn't help much either. I had a bout of chronic flatulence that left me near prostrate with depression and after the others had gone I sat in my room and 'deflated', both phyiscally and mentally. By the time I finally roused myself from the internets chymerical lure it was approaching 3am and I was thoroughly sick of myself.

Whats worst about this animation education in Copenhagen is not the superb resources enjoyed by the students or my jealousy at the talents of other artists, boy am I jealous! ...but also a deep seated sense of unfairness that such an education was no where to be seen when I so desperately sought it back in '92. Seeing the success of so many other Danish artists of my generation I have a strong impression, a feeling of deja vu, that I am trailing behind every one else as usual. Its a factor of my life that I have always been an outsider, dragged to England as a Danish child and forced to catch up to the other children, then dragged back to Denmark at 16 as an English teenager and forced to catch up again, without language, without any desire to learn. A thoroughly miserable time. Living out in the middle of no where with never a girl in sight.

I was twenty two by the time I finally managed to escape the prison of that life. I look back on it now with a sense of slumbering anger that my parents should have stacked so many odds against me, though I appreciate that they did their best and their failings were not really the cause of my mine.
Its easy enough to seek blame else where and I know that my situation is as much my own fault as it is the product of illness or a poor start. I've always hidden from the world inside my self and whilst many animators and artists will describe themselves in a similar vein, I think my biggest problem has always been that I hid just a little too well... Indeed, I fear I am still hiding.

Right now I am alone and listening to 'The Reflecting Chamber' by Steve Roach. I have a large drawing of a Samurai warrior on the desk beside me and a glass of water... time to get back into character...