moif world update: optimism or bust

Pulling together all the various aspects of my life, to analysis them and make a decision as to what to do next... I am faced with the inevitable conclusion that the time I have remaining, how ever long that is, defines who I am. Youth ended some time ago and whats left, is whats left. Strangely, I am quite optimistic about a lot of things, mostly to do with the health of my children, both of whom show every sign, thus far, of being strong, sturdy and happy. I can't say yet whether Freja is intelligent, but I'm assuming from how she picks up words and language from the surrounding world that she will be intelligent enough to learn, and that's the best one can hope for.

I am also quite optimistic about the possibility of employment. For the first time in my life, I am facing the possibility of regular employment, and actually relishing the thought. There is no guarantee that I will be employed, especially given the current economic climate, but every one keeps telling me that if the numbers come together, then my presence in the company is desired.
Desired indeed. A lot of people have told me that I am good at drawing, but few have told me that my presence is desirable. Perhaps I've mellowed so much in recent years that I have become tolerable? They say age has a softening effect on people, and perhaps its true. I certainly don't seem to spend nearly as much energy on feeling angry, desperate or depressed these days, and I don't seem to be as lazy as I once was either. Maybe its to do with discovering my limitations, and from that point, within those parameters, I could begin to blossom? What ever it is that's making me so optimistic, I have suddenly found that I am not afraid of success as I used to be. In fact I don't seem to be afraid of much any more, only cancer and the traffic.
The real killers.

There's eternity also, but I can't handle that so I still ignore it. Agnosticism is frustrating but its still preferable to faith in illusions and dreams. I'd rather face the madness with an open mind even if my eyes are closed.

The most touching thing about being told my presence was desired was the confirmation that despite all my faults, my optimism is just as desirable as my talents. Sad little human that I am, all it takes to charm me is a little flattery.