The cold is back and every one is grumbling about the 'summer which never happened'. It fits right in to the rest of 2007 if you ask me. Its been a fairly shitty year so far and it doesn't seem to want to get better any time soon. With the cold the pain in my finger joints has returned. I don't know if its stress from the mouse buttons or the cold but its certainly worse in my right hand than my left.
I must face the facts. I'm getting old. I'll be 38 in November. Yesterday as I was making a cup of coffee I suddenly stopped up and thought to myself, I'll be old for the rest of my life! Thats kind of ironic because I've never felt young, even when I was. I feel much the same now as I always did. Sort of jaded and weary with the long slow course of life and the inevitable predictablity of it all. As always life is passing me by and I'm just watching it go by thinking 'oh whats the point!?'
These days I just do what I like doing. I build the models I always wanted to build but never had the time or money to do. The irony is, they don't actually cost that much and had I been less lazy I could have done so much more in my late teens and early twenties. The trouble is, I'm aware of the sands running out now but there are still so many things I want to do. I want to make animations, paintings, write books, grow bonsai tree's, travel, learn archery, build beautiful model ships, build an aquarium, go spelunking, absailing and rock climbing. I want to get into photography, film making and music. Id love to learn how to play the guitar. There are just too many damned options and always this sense of not enough time!
So I build war gaming models. They're fun to build and I can use them, even if only briefly afterwards. I don't know how long this interest will hold, or how long I'll have the time to pursue it, but even now I still feel the nagging at the back of my mind that tells me I would be better employed drawing a graphic novel or building a suit of scale mail. I have an urging to build a Jasper Morello type air ship model!
Mostly I just want to get back to painting. I miss it so much I feel like I'm in mourning for it. The love is dulled though. The confidence bruised. What good is a painting I can't or won't sell?
People keep telling me I should open an internet gallery and sell images online and I'd love to be able do that. The trouble is, I seem to be scared of success. Success leads to responsibility and I don't seem to be able to handle responsibility very well. I resent feeling an obligation to other people, even for money or gratitude or admiration. Mostly though I've lost faith in my own ability to create the images I imagine. It as if I've forgotten how to paint when ever the image is my own but when some one asks me to do an image, then I can do it, but I resent it.
I have these large canvases standing in my room, In fact they've been standing in my various rooms for many years now. One of them has an outline of a figure on it and once or twice I've tried to start a painting, but each time I've felt what writers call a block. A dead end. In my mind I can't see the next step forwards.
This state of affairs has been going on for some time now and I'm afraid that if I don't break it soon, I never will.
Did you hear the one about the magnificent horse?
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7 comments:
He's outstanding in his field.
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Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get up and do it. there are no excuses except those that you create to prevent you (and money of course but there's always that excuse).
Thirty eight is not old. The average life expectancy here in the UK is now 77 for men and 81 for women. So on that basis I'm over half way at 43 but don't feel like it yet. Yes there are moans and groans and I certainly can't play sports like I used to when I was in my twenties, but life is still there to be enjoyed.
So go and enjoy it man!
..hmm - I suspect the answer is that you should keep on doing something, ANYTHING... the only non-acceptable answer is to do nothing as then you really have lost the opportunity for good..
You are both right. I'm just low at the moment. Aches and pains and mid life blues. The autumn rain pissing down and a head ache that won't go away.
I'm sorry to use your own words against you, but have a look:
"As always life is passing me by and I'm just watching it go by thinking 'oh whats the point!?'"
"There are just too many damned options and always this sense of not enough time!"
That's what it's all about! Doing the things you love to do, the things that "you've always wanted to" but never got 'round to..
You are very talented, and I understand the pressure you feel that puts on you. I'm not sure that success leads to responsibility, but it does lead to expectations. But don't do it for us - do it for yourself (then we'll be in the side galleries, enjoying if you'll let us)!
Hugs from London!
I understand that it might seem bleak, poor lil bro Philip was almost depressed reading this post, but don't worry. I've had depressions far worse than this. This is just like GM says, me feeling sorry for my self.
Hi moif,
I agree with GM, stop feeling sorry for yourself, we all have problems. The oportunities life throws in path, just need taking up. I just quit a perfeclty good and well payed "no-hassle" job, to start a new one which will realy put me to the test, you have to find a way out of this hole you've been digging. I worry about you and would like to see you ontop again.
loving you
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