Nothing to see here, move along

Lazy days in Aarhus. I've not had much time to do any modelling, nor painting, of late, so not much to relate with that regard. The children take up a lot of my time and trying to manage various obligations, whilst coping with the emotional turbulence of losing my parents takes the rest. It will only be a few months until the first anniversary of my fathers death, but I'm still suffering regular bouts of grief, characterised by depression, lassitude and a general inability to concentrate on such mundane things as dates, appointments and other such obligations. Overall, I have an obscure feeling that I've lost my way and I'm wandering in fields of doubt.

Every so often I get a glimpse of who I was a year ago and I wonder how I get back to that. Perhaps the first step is in finding the way out of those fields of doubt?

Killing time

Waiting... Waiting.... Mette is due on Monday, and I'm antsy. For some reason, this pregnancy has felt a lot longer than the previous two and I feel like I've been holding my breathe since Christmas. I feel like we've strayed right off the map with this one and all the misfortune and plans gone belly up over the last six months haven't helped either. I have an idea that things might start to look up once we finally see her little face, then she is not an abstract anymore but a certainty, and maybe the equilibrium that was lost when my Dad died can finally be found again.

Gone forever

On Saturday, 14th August, my father passed away. I was not there as the day before was Freja's fifth birthday and we were celebrating her in 'Tivoli Frihed', which is a fairground park in Århus. It was incredibly hard to maintain an equilibrium between the pleasure of my daughter's happiness and the abject sorrow of my Father's death. Luckily, my father's girl friend and two of his best friends were present when he passed.

I feel some what lost, raw, cut to the quick, and I miss his voice. The sound of him. His sense of humour. Life suddenly feels all that more precious. In some respects I am an orphan now, but that doesn't scare me as much as it saddens me. Those two people, with all their strange thoughts and feelings. The idea's they had, the love they bore. They're gone forever now and the memory of them is suddenly so very, very precious.

If there is one piece of music which represents my Father more than any other, then its probably Johnny Cash singing 'Sunday Morning Coming Down'. My Dad used to play this on Sunday mornings, really loud and I hated it. I can't listen to it now at all, but here it is anyway.

July in retrospect; an objective lesson in humility.

How do you express in mere words when everything you believe in is being tested?

When I had to say yes or no to stopping my father's medication, I knew what his own wishes were and I knew perfectly well what my own position on the matter was. My Father was not going to be left like a vegetable, incapable of conscious response or whilst indifferent people moved about him as if he weren't there.

As a teenager I too contemplated those weighty issues which young adults take so seriously. I adopted a series of social and political beliefs based on what I thought was my unique understanding of the world about me. In later years those illusions were stripped from me, one by one until I reached the point where I came to understand that they weren't really my beliefs at all. They were the product of my environment which I had adopted as if they were mine own. It took forty years, but I finally came to understand what wisdom is. I'm not saying I've grown wise, only that I've finally come to realise that when I founded most of my morals, I was operating under false assumptions.

Ironically, I still hold to some of my cherished belief's. I still believe over population is the biggest problem facing the human race and so it is an act of near immorality to have more than two children.

Facing the prospect of aborting our third child, or accepting responsibility for letting my father die has put my beliefs to the test. When the time came, I found it impossible to contemplate killing our child and I found it almost impossible to say yes to stopping my Fathers medication. July 2010 has taught me some very interesting lessons about self deception. In both instances I chose what I thought was the best option and I hope I was right, but I think I'm kidding myself if I think I had any real say in the matter or if I think my convictions rest upon anything but wishful thinking.



Carry forth as a guardian to Kingdom Come
With your daggers of the spirit
Let the dagger run
With the Fist of Fire
Be the master now
As the darkness of ages past

Riches silver and gold
In the liquid sea
Cast a net can you catch
So you can't see me

As in death you can climb
Higher through the sky
Show your wings
Surely you can fly

Fly away past the guardian to Kingdom Come
See the miracle of life
Disappear it's gone

2 x Go carry your silver ships of light
3 x Go carry your silver ships of life

Keep the fire in your hand
It won't let you drown
As you fly with your wings
Won't come falling down

See the flower of youth
Disappear on high
As you gather your true wings
About to fly

To be ready
To be strong
Make it run

This righteous
This wrong
This right
This love

This is how nature controls
The way of all things
this is how the angels sing
Not afraid
No, not afraid
Not afraid of this or that
Not afraid

Carry forth as a guardian to Kingdom Come
With the ghost
And the spirit
Let the fire run

Through the darkest age
We can surely fly
Through the darkest age
With the Fist Of Fire
Through the darkest age
With the Fist of Fire

21 days and counting

Three weeks, steadily losing hope. Today we agreed to let go and suspend medical intervention. From now on, he's in the hands of fate. I knew this day was coming, but the moment itself was as terrible as anything I've ever experienced.

Afterwards we took the children to the beach. It was the best way to deflect the pain for a few hours.

....Monday again

Today's musical inspiration! Thelma Houston - 'Don't Leave Me This Way'

Sitting here thinking of Mette, at home with the kids whilst I have to be here at work... *sigh* Another slow Monday eased with beautiful music. Half the guys at work are on holiday and one or two are leaving for good. Goeg from the Rocketman crew is on his last week and Anna who sits beside me in the office has already gone. Its going to be fucking boring around here without them. I'm not good with change and a lot of the new people feel transient. I always get the feeling that people who arrive after me are less interesting than those who were here before me, though obviously that's not always the case. I'm just not too good at saying good bye to people I like in return for meeting strangers who might turn out to be world class idjits. Its happened before, in one case to such a degree that I couldn't face the daily burden of listening to the same droning monologue of supercilious self-congratulatory stupidity and I simply had to leave or resort to physical violence.

Right now I've just finished correcting some one else's work (because he's on holiday not because he can't do it himself) and next I'm drawing a monkey sitting on top of a giraffe's head, reaching up to grab some fruit or leaves...not sure which yet. The idea is for a logo which deals with people helping each other. Some of the jobs I get asked to do are ridiculously ambiguous and good idea's, which are often hard to come by, as often as not get discarded due to unrelated concerns. I don't doubt this idea will get trashed because people don't like being compared to monkeys or some other such nonsense.

Day dreaming too... Autogyro design's... Condottieri in the sunlight... PBY Catalina... heavy breasts... Operation Herald... Momentum vs velocity... He's still alive but I'll probably never his voice ever again...

I have this office to myself so no one sees the tears.

Time to catch up...

Things are so strange at the moment. I feel like I'm standing at a significant junction in life and I'm not certain which path leads where. Somethings grind on inexorably, dental appointments must be kept, children require feeding, the summer is hot and life seems as it always has. Age however has crept up on me in ways I failed to anticipate.

My father is currently lying in a deep sleep, in the ICU ward in Silkeborg hospital after they moved him from Århus. In my previous post I wrote he'd had a heart attack, but Oleg pointed out that this was a mistranslation. What he's actually had was a blood clot in one of the arteries of his heart. This happened during the early hours of Monday 5th and so I spent the second half of my two week vacation sitting in the intensive care unit, watching my Father sleeping, and occasionally suffering convulsions. So far he has not woken up. He has had numerous scans and tests done and everything seems normal. The doctors say he may take some time to wake up, or he may never wake up ever again. There is no way to know.

Now I am back at work again, the holiday is over and I crave a return to the dull, but predictable routine of my daily life.

Note there is more to tell, but as of yet I cannot reveal the other big issue which is currently weighing on my mind... in the mean time I have some blogging to do to catch up with past events and books read, etc.

Halloween, 2009

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Halloween isn't really a big deal in my experience, but this year, with Freja's kindergarten celebrating it, we bought a couple of pumpkins on the way out to my Dad's and I cut my first Jack-o-lantern. We met up with (my youngest brother) Philip, who gave me his old digital camera, having acquired a shiny new one with additional bells and whistles, and together we spent a reasonably enjoyable day, inspecting my Fathers fairly successful attempts at setting the old house into order, moving a mechanical piano and engaging in arguments.

The Goon Squad

In my family, any occiasion has traditionally meant a debate, bordering on an argument, and once in a while, objects being tossed about. Its not so much physical violence, as too much testosterone, with my Dad doing his best Uncle Joe routine when ever more than one of his sons is present and needing to be put in place. Naturally none of these dog fights are about anything remotely important but this doesn't prevent every one giving their all, whilst any female members of the family who happen to be in the blast radius shake their heads in resignation and contemplate cheap flights to warmer climates.

Though I say it myself, I think my pumpkin came out rather well.
Mette took the pictures which is why there several of me and none of her.

Magnezilla & Flicka, hair not included

Its life Jim, but not as we know it!

Freja and Magne were not too happy about the day. Both of them got really cranky, especially Magne who's been ill and 'distempered' of late, but Freja did enjoy the pumpkins, which is weird as to me they are still an American cultural oddity. Actually Jack-o-lanterns appear to have originated from Ireland so there's my cultural ignorance and preconceptions showing me up.

Currently I am well and truly p'd off though so I will beg leave to be slightly grumpy. Most of my life is going really well, but since I started making some fairly decent money, I've had nothing but huge bills from social services demanding I repay obscene amounts of moneys received over the course of the last year. Perusing these letters reveals some unusual numbers to say the least. Some one some where is operating under the false pretence that I have made about three times as much as I have, which wouldn't be much of a problem, if it wasn't for the fact that the Danish social servies are entrenched by miles of telephone answering machines, vacant offices (he's on a course and won't be back for three weeks) and just plain old fashioned misdirection. In the mean time I have eight days to lodge a complaint or the matter will be considered closed. Four days have now passed and all attempts to lodge such a complain have been met with better defences than the 8th airforce faced over Berlin. Tomorrow and Friday are my last chance to avoid paying back as much money as I've received in my wages for the next two months as no way will any one be in an official office over the week end. In fact even friday is highly dubious. If I have to, I'm going to start lobing bricks through windows tomorrow so if I suddenly stop blogging in the next few weeks, its probably because I've been arrested for stating an opinion.
Rant over.
Happy thoughts.
I get paid on friday again and I intend to buy some more figures, though the last lot, ordered a month ago from BTD still haven't materialised yet...


...in the mean time, I am prepping RM6 (warning, its all wargaming babble from here), but I still have a lot of painting and assembly to do. Ever since Trace decided to rejoin Rocketman, I've been juggling my initial set up trying to make it all work. Previously the game was structured around a 3 vs 2 imbalance, with Goeg and Rasmus playing support units to Oleg's heavy tank main Bolshevik force. Facing them would be Palle and I with our Vickers Mk II's and Mk VI's and British infantry support.

Changing the games to 3 v 3 without additional armour is difficult, so now, Palle and I will be playing reduced forces (we both give an armoured Rolls Royce to Goeg who plays Rocketman and Afghan allies). This is a bit risky as Goeg is still a noob, but I can't see how else the game would work. Tracey can take Goeg's oroginal group (Olga and her Uigher bandits) and what we end up with is an equilibrium of sorts

Palle = Lt Col Sir John Napier, 1st Tank Company & British Inf Company. (2 Vickers Mk II medium tank's & 1 Mk VI light tank)
Jan = 2nd Lt Algernon ’Lefty’ Leftbridge , 2nd tank company & Sikh Rifle Company. (2 Vickers Mk II medium tank's & 1 Mk VI light tank)
Goeg = Rocketman and ’Afghan contingent’ (2 Rolls Royce armoured cars and one Vickers Mk VI light tank)

Oleg = Main Black Guard command with heavy tanks and infantry support
Rasmus = Uzbeck Bolshevik support group with light armour, anti armour guns and infantry support.
Tracey = Olga & Uigur bandits with 'technical'

I anticipate mass slaughter

Since I now have a working digital camera again, I'll be posting some more posts regarding models and figures soon.

Any way, time for some atmospheric gaming music...

The Rainforest...

Deep in the primordial forests of the mind

...where ancient civilisations lie forgotten...

...and the dragons wait to devour young adventurers

Randers is a small Danish city about half an hours drive to the north of Aarhus. Its a bit of a dump, but it does have one redeeming feature; it is the home of Randers Regnskov, and on Wednesday, we packed the kids into my Dad's car and we all drove north. I have never been to the 'Rainforest' before, so the first surprise was the size. It was much bigger than I had imagined. I'd seen it from the train when travelling to and from Aalborg (a city in the north where Mette's parents reside) and it had always seemed some what cramped. When we arrived however, and saw the domes up close (there is a third dome now, even bigger than the two originals which I knew of) I realised that the whole place was significantly bigger than I'd imagined.

The second surprise was that it was significantly more expensive than I'd imagined, though to be fair, it does have a lot to offer and had I been aware of it I could have had the tickets stamped and laminated which would have made them good for the rest of the year.

I may go back alone with a sketch book one day when the holiday season thins out the mob.

20kr for a 500ml bottle of water though is day light robbery.

The third suprise was the lay-out. I'd expected something less labyrinthine, and more zoo like, and whilst some of the animal enclosures were a tad small for my liking, lethargic animals compounding the impression, for the most part it seemed almost authentic, in a staged, Indiana Jones film-set sort of way. Having never been in a real rainforest (Italy is the closest I've been to that kind of climate and Italy is nothing like tropical, or even sub tropical) the humidity also seemed appropriate. I was certainly sweating like a sick dog within ten minutes of entering the South American dome.

Look at the size of that crocodile!

Freja was like a pinball on acid, bouncing about like crazy, constantly running off and completely disinterested in staying close by the rest of us. I spent about two thirds of my time pushing my way through hordes of shuffling families, like Bruce Cambell in a crowd of zombies trying to find her.

Part of the problem was, Freja has been quite ill of late. Early on Tuesday morning, her throat swelled up during the night and she awoke just after midnight coughing with a noise like a rutting seal. Some what alarmed, Mette and I watched in consternation as, within the sapce of two minues, Freja went from coughing, to choking, to unable to breath. Thankfully we live in a city with an excellent emergency service and within five minutes there was a doctor and three medics in the room, Freja had a face mask on and was inhaling some form of gas that counteracted the swelling. After this, Freja and I spent the rest of the night in Skejby hospital, in the childrens ward whilst she was under observation. She was released the next day and Mette and Magne came to take her home. Having not slept much during the night, I then passed out and spent the rest of Tuesday getting over the shock.

A some what appropriate sign

By Wednesday Freja was better, but still cranky. She lasted until about two thirds of the way through the Rainforest, but when we reached the Asian dome, she'd had enough and started kicking up a fuss, collapsing on the floor and whining mightily. I picked her up and sat her on my shoulders (no mean feat as now she weighs twenty kilo's and I'm not very strong any more). The Snoos rewarded my generosity by slapping off my glasses and breaking both lenses.

Thankfully I am insured against just such an eventuality

Leaf cutter ants, busy cutting leaves

The Rainforest is a great place, and we shall visit it again when Magne is old enough to actually participate in the adventures. Next time however, we shall visit during a week day, and not in the industrial holiday season. The place was packed. According to local internet news, the Rainforest is due to be enlarged again with a fourth, super dome making it the largest indoor zoological garden in the world.

There were many interesting animals, but most of the time, they were either hiding, alseep, or obscured by the mob. We saw, a manatee, lots of huge fish, some small sharks, sea snakes, piranha's, catfish, several varieties of ape, flying dogs, wild dogs, wild pigs, some crocodiles, one of which was quite big (circa 1½m), lots of colourful birds, including a macaw and something that resembled a big brown peacock with attitude. There were hundreds of moths, butterflies, spiders and millions of ants, in several sizes and shades. We also saw snakes, giant snails, some kind of giant rat that gave me the evil eye, a family of porcupines, a tribe of large tortoises, a curiously flat turtle and lots of iguana's lazing about the place.

A handsome, dynamic young fellow, and his son

Afterwards we drove back to my Dad's place to pick berries from his garden, and inspect the renovations he is doing on his house. Its odd to see the place looking so empty and sparse, and sad in a way. When my Mother was alive they were always talking about renovating the house, and it seems strange that this is only happening now Understandable though given my Mothers propensity for hording things. I'm looking forward to seeing how the rebuilding eventually turns out.

Inside the South American dome.

No sign of any revolutionaries, just tossers with Che T shirts